Watch out!...Oh my God...You can't be serious!!

Sorry for the long gap in the Blog.

This is due to nothing of bloggable value happening in the interim...until now that is.

We in the UK moan about the poor driving standards in our country. This of course needs something to compare it against.

On my recent trip to India I took this video of a typical roundabout in Jaipur.

This was not unusual as virtually every junction in India I saw can only be best described as motorised Rugby, it's a complete free for all.

Mirrors? What are they? The Indian way seems to be, do it and worry about the consequences later. They operate on impulse not planning.

Please think again the next time somebody "Almost" pulls out on you at a junction.

Enjoy the clip.

Well.......What?

I hope you are enjoying our little Indian summer we are currently experiencing. On a lesson last week, my pupil and I were doing just that. He had his drivers window down halfway, pootling along nicely when he suddenly yelled out "Ouch!"

"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "Did you see that? A bloomin' stone just came through the window and hit my face."

I replied, "Yes, that's when a small stone chip comes loose from being embedded in someones' tyre tread, and flies up."

He asked in reply, "Is it?"

I added, "Yes, but it could have been a lot worse you know?"

"How?" He wondered.

"It could have hit me!" I said.

............Sound of Tumbleweed.

Give us Instructors a break!!

Please tell me if it's the objective of the general public to make us instructors' lives as difficult as possible. I think I already know the answer sadly.
Take today for instance, I was waiting to pick up a pupil at the station today. I arrived at the alloted time and waited...and waited...and waited. 20 minutes later I decide to call the pupil on his mobile. I remembered that he had broken the little screen and it no longer works. I ring his house forlornly, he cannot possibly be there but I might find a relative there.

My pupil answers...Surprise!!!

"Oh you're there!" I exclaim,

"Yeah!" he says,

"What are you doing there?" I ask,

"I forgot my progress card" he says,

"Why didn't you ring me, I've been waiting here for 20 minutes." I ask,

"Aint got a mobile 'av I?" he says,

He adds, "Well I 'av now but I aint got no credit."

"But you're at home, surely you don't need a mobile do you? You have a landline. I'm calling you on it now." I say,

"Yeah, but I can't ring mobiles 'coz of me Sister ringing 'em all the time. Cost me Dad a fortune she did." he says,

"So you had no way of contacting me at all then?" I ask,

"Yeah!" He agrees,

"Why didn't you wait for me at the station and I could have driven you back to get your progress card?" I ask, applying logic to the situation, silly me,

"Dunno!" he reposts.

It's going to be a long course of lessons methinks.

Big Red L (International)

Amanda our much appreciated, but alas ex office manager has now arrived in Belgium for a year of ??. That's official apparently. I hope ?? means culture and self improvement. At least she won't have any problem walking around the museums, chocolate shops and beer emporiums as the Big Red L sent her off with £75 to buy some new shoes as a token of our appreciation. We are thoughtful like that as other driving schools would have bought her some new driving gloves I'm sure.

On a completely different tack, our Folkestone instructors Robbie and Peter, along with our slightly eccentric, but wonderful Renata from Poland are off to the Emerald Isle for an Instructing master class with John Farlam to ensure that our standards remain as high as ever. Good luck with that Guys. More work less Craic though please.

No Splashy! No Way!

A young lady driving test candidate failed her test last week for soaking a pedestrian at a bus stop on a very wet day, as we seem to get more often than not these days.
It's been a wet few weeks but the examiner still didn't believe Michelle Kelly when she said she had splashed the pedestrian by accident.
Remarkably, the 31-year-old said the examiner was adamant the incident was technically a crash, and that she should have stopped and exchanged details with the man who was waiting at a bus stop in Blackley, Manchester.
The Highway Code does not forbid the splashing of pedestrians but Rule 144 states that you must not 'drive without reasonable consideration for other road users'.
Rule 147 says that drivers must 'be careful of and considerate towards all types of road users'.
Miss Kelly carried on driving when she splashed the man halfway through her third attempt at passing.
She said: "It wasn't as though I'd deluged this pedestrian. And if I'd swerved to avoid the puddle I might have caused an accident." Source ITN website.

Opinions and reactions on a postcard please. I'll not accept "Oh, for God's sake." or "Aaaagh" or even "I'm just off to boil my head."

Detention!!!!

I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles
I must not leave my Fleet Training Badge in trainees vehicles

Overheard behind examiners door...

"Morning ........ Test Centre."

" Yes that's right."

"You can't make your test today?"

" Right!"

" I see"

" Does your Instructor know?"

" erm"

"hmmm"

" Well, have you tried putting suntan lotion on it?"

" OK! Thanks for telling us, good luck with it and we hope to see you perhaps in the near future once you rebook"

All in an examiners day I guess.

Farewell Amanda don't forget about us!!

It's with great sadness that the Big Red L Company has to say goodbye to our office controller and chief blogger Amanda, who is off to pastures new in Belgium.

She has done a sterling job over the last two years with us, and I'm sure all my instructor colleagues will join me in wishing her all the very best in the land of chocolate and beer.

Although, they have just re opened the Brussels to Ashford Eurostar service, so she could always commute to work with us again if her French, or Flemish sounds to the locals like the undercover policeman on 'Allo 'Allo, "Gud Moaning.....etc".

Good Luck and Farewell from all of us at BRL.

That's all, Folks

I am very sad to say that this is my final blog post. I'm moving on to pastures new, but I'm happy to leave this blog in the capable hands of Jason Hall. I'm not sure whether he knows this yet - Jason, by the way, you're in charge of the blog now.

Thank you to all the instructors who have brightened up dreary days with funny anecdotes, I shall miss you all tons.

Much love xxxx

Theory test = not optional

ring ring
Amanda: Good afternoon, Big Red L, Amanda speaking...
Caller: I would like a 5 day intensive please
A: Ok, have you driven before?
C: No.
A: In that case you'll probably be looking at a 40 hour course, which will take you about 2 weeks.
C: ... I have driven before.
A: Ok, how many hours?
C: Erm.... 15?
A: Alright, then you'll be looking at around 25 - 30 hours. have you passed your theory test?
C: Nope.
A: You'll need to pass that as soon as poss then, if you're after an intensive. Shall I give you the phone number to ring and book your theory?
C: No.
A: Er... do you already have the number?
C: No.
A: Oh. How will you book it then?
C: I don't want to take a theory test.
A: ...

Jason Hall was in the office at the time, and as he pointed out, there's not much we can do for someone who refuses to take the theory - it's not an optional extra!

Congratulations Steve

I'm very happy to tell you all that our instructor for Gillingham, Steve Body, has passed his Part 3. Well done Steve!

Experienced Learner

We've just recieved an email, and I don't usually relate anecdotes about people who might actually start learning with us, but I've been shouted down by the men in the office who think it's too funny to waste.

So.

It starts off innocently enough with "I am interested in taking intensive lessons with your company"

Fair enough.

The anonymous writer then tells us:

"I have only had a little experience with my boyfriend in car parks before"

Well.

What kind of service does she think we provide?

Automatic - when?

Just had another of those calls.

"Good afternoon, Big Red L, Amanda speaking."
"Big Red School."
"Erm.... yes. That's us." (more or less, anyway)
"Big Red School?"
"Yes?"
"Lessons."
Aha, thought I, this sounds like a Londoner after automatic tuition.
"Where are you based?"
"Where?"
"Yes, where. Where do you live?"
"Here."
"Ok, good. Where's that?"
"Forest Hill."
Ha! London. Score one to me.
"Ok, are you after automatic lessons?"
"Yes. Automatic."
Ten points to me.
"I'm afraid we only have automatic tuition in Folkestone and Dover."
"When?"
"No, Folkestone and Dover. They're places. Quite far from you."
"Not yet."
I feel like I'm playing that gameshow from a few years ago where contestants had to answer the next question with the answer to the last question . Or something. Even then, her replies don't make sense.

Oh, another story for you - someone was trying to sell us advertising the other day. I had a nice chat with him whilst waiting to transfer him to Tony until he said, "Yeah, so this advertising will go out in the magazine, it should really raise the profile of Red Drving School!"

I hope not.

go anywhere

We've had a bit of a rethink of the posters and have come up with a new design. To celebrate, we're offering the first 5 hours of lessons for an amazing cut price of £70 instead of our usual deal of £95.

It's only available to the first 100 pupils so get calling!

Not just a hatstand

We've just got a new hatstand - and a new desk, so after over a year of working here, I have my own desk - and I saw Graham eyeing it thoughtfully.
"Do you like our new hatstand?" I ask him.
"I've got a hat in the car. I might bring it in and see if I can throw it on from here."
Hearing this Tony's face lights up. Tony loves any kind of game. Looking around for something hatlike to throw he finds a cardboard box.
"No, Tony, no. That's not a hat; it's a cardboard box. It won't work." Graham tells him.
Tony throws it anyway.
It doesn't work.
Graham sighs.

Smile for the camera!

After a year of working here, I finally decided to make a page on our website to tell people a little about the hard working office monkeys - in other words, Tony and me. So we took some photos.
Here is Tony, looking happy and a little startled. Here is Tony again, looking ... happy, and a little startled. One would be forgiven for wondering whether I just photoshopped the Big Red L logo into the back ground but I can assure you that they are indeed different pictures. You just have to look closely - really closely. Obviously some time ago Tony discovered his photo face (happy and startledtm) and is sticking with it through thick and thin.
Here we are - Tony seems less startled now; perhaps he has got used to the novel idea of a camera inside a phone. It confused him a little at first - "What is this new fangled technology?!" *
We pose.
And again.

It was jolly fun. To see the page, go here: Tony and Amanda's very own page

*Tony never said this. He is well aware that camera phones are, in this crazy day and age, quite abundant, and was not at all confused by it. It's just hilarious to poke fun at him in any way possible.

Easter Eggs and The Daily Mail

Today one of our Ashford Driving Instructing Jasons popped by with a massive Thorntons Easter Egg - thank you Jason! And then our new instructor Wayne (aforementioned flowers and chocolates bringer) brough a Creme Eggs Easter Egg! I am so happy I am chasing my mettyforical tail. I shall eat all of them myself and then feel a bit sick, but it will be so worth it.

Aside from exciting chocolate, he also brought news - according to the Daily Mail, the pass age is going up from 17 years to 18. We can say catagorically that this is naughty fibs. It's staying at 17; for the time being at least. Driving Instructor for Folkestone Andy was in the office at the time, and as he cynically pointed out, "Isn't the Daily Mail the same paper that said the Pass Plus cost in excess of £300" (it doesn't) "and that a new radical addition to the test is the reversing round a corner manouever?" (an addition so new and so radical that I did it on my test 7 years ago)

To sum up, if you're 17 years old you can take your test (assuming you're ready and your theory is passed, of course), you will have to complete a reverse round the corner, just like I had to many many moons ago, and once you've passed if you'd like to take your Pass Plus (which is recommended as it reduces insurance costs and makes you a safer driver) it will cost half as much as the good old Daily Mail claims.

Flowers and chocolates!

Today one of our new instructors brought in flowers and chocolates! This made me very happy. I think it should be written into the franchise contract.

And it means that 'The Boss' mug that Hayley bought Tony is being used for an even better purpose - housing tulips.

intensives.co.uk

The intensives.co.uk project that we're working manically on has really started to pick up speed. As of this morning we've got associate trainers covering just over a quarter of the whole country. Only just over, admittedly, with 26%, but dammit that still counts. It's all very exciting! Also a little stressful, so we taken to throwing stuff at each other again to relieve the tense atmosphere. Elastic bands take too much time, so now we're just grabbing random stuff off our desks and hurling them round the office. It's surprisingly effective.

All quiet ...

It's been pointed out that I haven't blogged for (just) over a month. I'm very sorry, avid readers. The problem is that not much of note has happened in the Big Red L Office of late. But I shall have a think about things that are worthy of bloggage.

Oh! This should have a blog post all of its own, really - many congratulations must go to our auto instructor Robbie, who recently tied the knot in Sri Lanka. Well done Robbie! Lynnie is a lucky lady.

In other news we have been working so hard in the office lately with various projects that we've barely had any time for elastic band fights, and any we had have been very half hearted. I am training Aysha up to be a feared elastic band fighter - on my side obviously - but so far all she can hit with any great accuracy is her own thumb.

We're taken on a few new instructors who all seem like very nice guys, so a big welcome to the Big Red L family should go out to them.

Hmmm what else? I did have a bizarre call the other day from a lady who seemed to be telling me off for the fact that her husband had gone to work with her keys. When I wondered why she was telling me, she replied 'Well, I'll have to get a taxi now! What am I going to do for two hours?!'

I genuinely did not know.

My mouse ain't working

Graham's just joined us in the office.

"Tone, my mouse ain't working."

Tony glanced over.

"That's because it's upside down."

Extenuating Circumstances

We've had a brilliant poem sent in by our very own talented Mr Hardy - enjoy!

Extenuating Circumstances

My wife is the world's worst driver
Of this I am quite sure
She crashes with such startling regularity
That the mechanics are beginning to bore

Our insurance premiums reach new heights
Each time she takes to the road
Local drivers show panic and fear
When they see whom that white Corsa holds

Of course in this she is blameless
It can be no fault of her own
There were extenuating circumstances
That she would explain when she got home

Now once whilst driving to work
Just minding business of her own
She collided with a new pick up
With good reason she had to intone

She has this fear of spiders you see
Irrational though it may be
And one actually had the audacity
To come down and land on her knee

The fear and the panic she felt then
Meant that she lost all reasoning
Until she conjoined with that pick up
Which left us financially reeling

And the one time that she drove my car
She reversed into the kitchen wall
That was down to the power steering
You see it wasn't her fault at all

But I think that the best one of all
That she somehow managed to do
Was the day she forgot to put on her handbrake
And ended up smashing my car too

That was the fault of the handbrake
You see it had too much play
And it would have gone into the neighbour's car
If mine had not got in the way

There are many more incidents
But I feel no need to go on
I am quite sure that you get the picture
Of the knife-edge I constantly live on

One good thing, however, to come from this
Is that we seem to have made many friends
But then there isn't a car in the neighbourhood
We have not been responsible to mend

So I try not to think any more
Of the troubles my wife puts us through
I just mind my own business
And swallow a tablet or two


Both our Jasons are very popular on the guestbook right now - check it out! http://www.bigredl.co.uk/brlgb.php

2008!

Well hopefully everyone has had a great Christmas and New Years and feel fully rested. I, however, am not, because somewhere on Christmas Eve I got attacked by some horrific cold / flu bug THING that completely floored me. But luckily I got better just in time to get back to work. Lucky me!

Thanks must go to Jason Hardy because he gave me a puppy for Christmas! Well, a picture of a puppy on the side of a bag which held chocolately goodness, but it was a puppy none the less. It still counts.

The phones have been very very busy with people calling to redeem Christmas presents, so I must say that if you've tried to get through and have reached the answerphone, it doesn't mean that Tony and I are out having a leisurely lunch, it just means that we're both frantically taking calls! As Murphy's Law will have it, the phones can be quiet for 15 minutes and then three people will call at once, and whilst Tony and I are pretty good at taking calls, we're not that good! Please do leave a message, and we'll call you back as soon as we can.

Happy New Year!