Eep...

Sent in by Jason Hall - imagine encountering this abundance of confusion on your test!

Another one...

I wonder whether Tony has asked people to phone up and pretend to be insane just to keep me entertained whilst he's on holiday. I would not put it past him. So for your entertainment, here is a transcript of the last phone call I had.

Ring ring...
"Good morning, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Yes I want you help me please."
My hearing, as pointed out on occassion by driving instructor for Folkestone Peter Blight, is not that hot. But I think even the non-hearingly challenged would have had a problem understanding this chap.
"... I'm sorry?"
"Leshon! Absol!"
"... Do you want lessons?"
"No! Absol! Birmingham!"
"If you're in Birmingham I'm afraid we can't help because we only cover Kent."
"Yes, leshon Birmingham."
"We don't cover Birmingham."
"Yes."
"No, I'm sorry, I don't think we can help."
"Yes. Birmingham. Leshon."
It went on like this for a while before I decided to try a different tactic.
"Have you got your provisional licence?"
I doubt he has, and I'm hoping I can get rid of him by telling him to go get one.
"No, I call, absol. Absol licence!"
"Absol?"
"Yes, absol. You gib me number. Absol."
I began to worry whether absol is an insult and whether I should be offended.
"I don't think we can help you. You need to get your provisional licence before you can start lessons, and once you've got that you should probably call a Birmingham based company instead of one in Kent."
"Gib me number."
"What, the number for Birmingham?"
"Yes. Absol."
I give up.
"I don't know what you mean."
He sighs, and I feel a bit sorry. Even though he's rubbish, he knows more of my language than I do of his, which could possibly be whatever language they speak on the moon.
"I call. No lesson, no absol. Absol licence."
Does... does 'absol' possibly mean 'provisional'? Could it?
"Your absol licence?"
"Yes!"
Clearly, we are now on the same page. I give him the website address for the provisional licence, and hope that once he gets it he never ever calls us back. I resign myself to the fact that he probably will. Absol.

Who are these Red Driving School characters?

Sometimes I wonder if I should just let the phone ring out. But then I think, well the number of lovely people I get to chat with far outweighs the number of crazy people who call, and the crazy calls always lead to good stories to tell at parties. And on blogs.

Ring ring
I finish what I'm doing and pick up.
"Good afternoon, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Is that the driving school?"
I affirm.
"Well I've got a complaint."
In all honesty, we don't get a lot of complaints. And it upsets me when we do get them, so I tense up. Tony's not here either, so I'm going to have to fix this on my own. I steel myself.
"Ok, what's the problem?"
"Well my mate is having lessons with your company, and we're not 'appy."
I would have known that this man was not happy just from his tone of voice. He's not exactly shouting, but he's not going to win any prizes for congeniality either.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Why isn't he happy?"
"Well, 'is instructor cancelled 'is test, and he makes 'im 'ave two hour lessons, which he ain't happy paying for."
I express sympathy, and ask who his instructor is.
"Michael."
We don't have a Michael. I ask, could he mean Martin, although I couldn't imagine anyone having a problem with Martin, because he's a sweetheart.
"Jamie! Do you mean Martin?"
The answer comes back no. I'm given a street name.
"He picks 'im up from there, yeah?"
I've never heard of the place, but that doesn't mean anything. My knowledge of the street names in Folkestone alone is pretty shabby, and seeing as we cover all of Kent, it's no help.
"Whereabouts is that?"
The man is getting annoyed.
"Cheltenham!"
Now my geography is bad, I'll admit, but I'm fairly certain that Cheltenham is not, in fact, in Kent.
"Are you sure he's having lessons with us?"
The man sighs exasperatedly. Clearly he thinks he is speaking to an idiot, and he is losing his patience.
"Yes, of course I'm sure! Red Driving School, yeah?"
I disagree.
"No, we're The Big Red L Company."
"Yeah, Big Red Driving School."
I disagree again.
"No, The Big Red L Company. We're completely different."
"Well can I talk to them then?"
"You'll have to call them and ask that, I think."
There's a pause, and then
Click, burrrrrrrr

I think I'll have a coffee.

...wha?

I want to help this guy, I really do, but.... what on earth does he want from us??

"I owned a driving school here in the Phillipines and operated foe over 7 years,I wondered why our students does'nt pass the examination withDMV.We are always in danger while doing our practical driving lessonsbecause our driving cars are not dual controlled, I would like to ask yourhelp with regards to these matters I have discussed. Please accept my intentto ask some advice,guide,diagram or any help in which I really need for mybusiness, thus for all I know only in America have a good deciplined drivers. Thank you very much and God Bless"