Doughnuts in Kent...

We all thought it was empty promises, but no! Last night Jason Hall brought us doughnuts! This made us very happy, and also a bit jammy. Thank you Jason, doughnuts will always be very welcome. This morning when I arrived at work I was faced with the difficult choice of a doughnut for breakfast or a satsuma. I'm still deciding; it's a tough call.

It's that time again, time to transcript another of our more interesting phone calls. The majority of the people who call are lovely, and I really enjoy having a chat, but every now and then we just get the odd one who makes me wonder about the levels of insanity in the surrounding areas.

It's 4.58pm in the afternoon.
ring ring
"Good afternoon, Big Red L, Amanda speaking."
"Yeah, I wonder if you can help me, what it is, yeah..."
My heart sinks. 2 minutes before the end of my working day and I've lucked out and picked up to a "what it is, yeah". I know from experience that anyone who says this will be talking at me for the best part of 15 minutes. I sigh inwardly and the chap on the other end continues:
"What it is, yeah, is that I need a driving test. Do you do driving tests?"
A gleam of hope! Maybe he's rung the wrong number and is actually after booking a test - this does tend to happen once or twice a week. I answer
"We do driving lessons."
"Nah nah nah. Driving tests."
"We give driving lessons that lead to a driving test, is that what you mean?"
"Yeah. I've got my test booked on Saturday."
"Ah. In that case then I don't think we can help."
Our instructors are usually booked up at least a week in advance, and very rarely can do just a test at such short notice. Especially not on a Saturday. I tell him as much, apologetically.
"Can you see about cancellations?"
I tell him that the odds of an instructor in the area he's booked his test having a pupil cancel at the exact time he's booked his test are not in his favour. He refuses to accept this new infomation.
"Can you just check, yeah?"
"Ok, well whereabouts is your test booked?"
"In Kent."
"Where in Kent?"
"I don't know!"
"You've got a test booked on Saturday and you don't know where?"
"Can you find out for me?"
"No, I'm afraid I don't have access to that sort of infomation."
I feel like I'm in a bad Hollywood movie saying that, but it just came out.
"Well it's in Kent."
"I can't help you if you don't know where your test is booked."
"Does it matter? It's in Kent!"
He is getting irate. I find that they always do during this type of call.
"Look, if you're going to take your test on Saturday, you need to know where it is."
"This is f***ing ridiculous."
I wholeheartedly agree. Something occurs to me.
"Do you actually know how big Kent is?"
"Er...."
"It's about three or four times the size of London."
There is a pause, and then,
"Oh. I'll call back."
He doesn't.

I'm right, he's wrong, end of story.

Today our lovely instructor Hayley popped by with our Christmas presents!

I was going to save them til Christmas day but as ever, I got a bit over-keen and ended up opening my present there and then. Tony did as well though, so I don't feel too bad.

We got mugs! Which is exactly what we need in this office, as our generic white mugs are always going missing - I think to the office opposite, the mug snaffling swines - and they were very appropriate. Tony's said 'THE BOSS' in big letters, and mine said "I'm right. He's wrong. End of story." Very appropriate indeed.

Thank you Hayley!

(To everyone out there who was going to buy me a mug but is now thinking 'blast that efficient Hayley, she's nipped in and thefted my idea from under me', there is always a fall back present.

And that present, my friends, is a puppy.

The Big Festive L

Well, we've got our Christmas tree up (although to be completely honest it's been up since mid November - I got a bit over keen about the upcoming festivities) and all the instructor's Christmas presents are wrapped, very prettily (I wrapped them; if I'd let Tony do it we'd still be cutting him out of a tangled web of sellotape and ribbon). We've even put a small box of Roses outside the door with a sign saying 'Happy Christmas from the Big Red L Company, please help yourself', which is all very well, except I have a suspicion that Tony's eating them. I suspect this because that's what I'm doing.

Unfortunately I will not be attending the Big Red L Christmas 'do'. This is because I very foolishly purchased tickets for a gig featuring that well known 90s Britpop band Shed 7 and it falls on the party night. This makes me sad, so I'm hoping that all the instructors will find time in their busy schedules to swing by and say Happy Christmas - ooh! Maybe we could even get some mulled wine in! Oh, wait, no, that's a silly idea, seeing as they generally drive a lot, and we tend to frown on drink driving - and drop off their ... I mean, pick up their presents. Although, I won't say no to a present or two.

I'd particularly like a puppy.

This made me laugh so hard I fell off my chair a little bit

This is how I feel after one of my more taxing phone conversations:

Fortunately, it is not how I look. Except for that one time.

Jonny's driving school...

You know I like to entertain you all with stories of the people we get calling here. I've just had another brilliant one.

ring ring
"Good morning, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Yeah, are you a driving school?"
"Yes."
"Ok, I need a number off you. I've got a mate and I've lost his number. He's an instructor."
"Ok. Who is your friend?"
"Jonny."
Ah. Another one for the Red Driving School, perhaps? I break the bad news.
"We don't have a Jonny, I'm afraid."
"He works for Jonny's Driving School."
"Ok... we're The Big Red L Company."
"Yeah, the driving school. Can you find his number please?"
"No, I don't have it."
"Well, I've looked on the internet, and I can't find it."
I am completely at a loss.
"Where are you?"
I don't know why I ask, because wherever he is, I can't help.
"I'm on the internet! Don't you have it on your database?"
"Erm. Ok. No, I'm sorry, I can't find Jonny's number for you."
He is clearly annoyed with my inability to conjure up numbers for people who just happen to be in a similar business to me. The phone goes dead.

The worrying thing is, it's not even the first time something like that has happened.

Celebrate good times c'mon, du du du

Jason Hardy (maybe after Jason Hall's comment about bringing doughnuts) has completely upped his game and a day or two ago bought in

a

tin

of

chocolate

CELEBRATIONS

It was an amazing day. Not only are these things gems of chocolately goodness, they make awesome missiles. And no one can get cross with you for throwing them, because you're just being nice and sharing chocolate.

BRILLIANT.

In other, less chocolately news, we've worked out a way to send our 5 - 20 hour survey by email, which is pretty cool. It's already got more of a response then the post campaign usually does (people are just too lazy to find a pen, find an envelope, put the survey in the envelope, walk to the post box - I know this, for I am also a lazy person and I probably wouldn't either). So I'm pleased with that, and now want to email everyone with surveys.

If you've had between 5 - 20 hours lessons with us and would like to fill in the survey, please do: http://survey.constantcontact.com/survey/a07e271wevjf8zyg8xn/a006f91cjlpt/questions

Biscuits

Not much out of the ordinary has been going on in The Big Red L Office of late. Alana is settled in now and knows more about driving lessons than Tony and I put together (small fib) and everything is trotting along nicely. Tony is out more than before as he's slowly getting back into doing lessons now that the office doesn't collapse when he leaves for a bit.

This is not good news for the blog.

So I asked Alana what she thought I could blog about today, seeing as I've not posted for a while. She tipped her head on one side and thought about it for a second or two, before announcing,
"Biscuits."
For a second I thought she had some bizarre version of Tourette's, until she clarified for me.
"Jason bought you some biscuits the other day."
He did, that's true, and they were very lovely (although Tony ate most of them). We were very grateful, and Jason rose swiftly up in favouritism ranks. However, I'm still not quite sure what Alana's getting at.
"Well, if you blog about it, maybe it will encourage more people to bring in biscuits."
That's what I like about Alana. She's ever the optimist.

(Thanks again Jason, they were very tasty :D)

A good point has been made...

I've been referring to the Big Red L Office worker bees as the A Team, as all our names begin with A. Our lovely instructor for Canterbury, Martin Collins, just sent me a photo of the original A Team:

Which means that, in typical girlie fashion, we had to decide which one is which (think back to the days of the Spice Girls - I was always Baby Spice. Charlie's Angels, I'm Natalie. My Little Ponies, I was Wind Whistler - possibly not a decision I would make nowadays. Anyway.) So I decided to 'be' the rather dapper looking man on the left, Alana the one at the top as she 'knows he's insane' (worrying; I have to work with this girl) which leaves Aysha and (An)Tony to fight it out over the cigar chomping man sat at the front and... Mr T. I'm very interested regarding the outcome.

A little early perhaps

But here in The Big Red L Office we're already getting excited about Christmas. Especially Tony:







Ho ho ho!





***update***





Tony was not amused, so to make amends I had to make a picture of myself being an elf.

I think I look pretty good.

The Big Red L Company sponsors...

We've started sponsoring the Folkestone Hockey team and today I recieved this message: "Just to let you know that Folkestone Optimist U16 sponsered by the Big Red L company won today 3-1 against Sevenoaks!!" Go team go! I'm already bugging Tony to let me have a hockey shirt too, so that I can go out on to the field and cause hilarious havoc by being mistaken for an actual hockey player. They will soon realise their mistake when I manage to trip over my hockey stick and get tangled up in the net, but narrative causality suggests that I will have saved the day by accidently getting the winning shot in just before that, so it'll be worth it.

The A Team

I have two pieces of news that I have been waiting til now to share with the Big Red L Blog readers! Yes, two. The wait was because I wanted to illustrate my points with some beautiful photos. They came through in an email today, so here they are.

The first interesting piece of news is that we attended a Fresher's Fair last week in Tonbridge. Thankfully the rain held off for long enough for us to have a rather pleasant day, and in fact I think I might have got a bit of a tan. More importantly, of course, we spoke with a lot of people and gave out a lot of leaflets and 1st 5 hour vouchers, and generally bigged up The Big Red L, although Tony spent most of his time chatting up the lady on the next stall.* As you can see from the pictures, we appear to have gained another rather attractive member of staff. This is all true; we didn't just nab a Fresher to have our photos taken with. The new addition is Alana, who now works Mondays and can usually be found on the other end of The Big Red L phone.

*This is a small fib. In truth, Tony spent all his time chatting to students, but the photo was too good an opportunity to create some gossip.

Eep...

Sent in by Jason Hall - imagine encountering this abundance of confusion on your test!

Another one...

I wonder whether Tony has asked people to phone up and pretend to be insane just to keep me entertained whilst he's on holiday. I would not put it past him. So for your entertainment, here is a transcript of the last phone call I had.

Ring ring...
"Good morning, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Yes I want you help me please."
My hearing, as pointed out on occassion by driving instructor for Folkestone Peter Blight, is not that hot. But I think even the non-hearingly challenged would have had a problem understanding this chap.
"... I'm sorry?"
"Leshon! Absol!"
"... Do you want lessons?"
"No! Absol! Birmingham!"
"If you're in Birmingham I'm afraid we can't help because we only cover Kent."
"Yes, leshon Birmingham."
"We don't cover Birmingham."
"Yes."
"No, I'm sorry, I don't think we can help."
"Yes. Birmingham. Leshon."
It went on like this for a while before I decided to try a different tactic.
"Have you got your provisional licence?"
I doubt he has, and I'm hoping I can get rid of him by telling him to go get one.
"No, I call, absol. Absol licence!"
"Absol?"
"Yes, absol. You gib me number. Absol."
I began to worry whether absol is an insult and whether I should be offended.
"I don't think we can help you. You need to get your provisional licence before you can start lessons, and once you've got that you should probably call a Birmingham based company instead of one in Kent."
"Gib me number."
"What, the number for Birmingham?"
"Yes. Absol."
I give up.
"I don't know what you mean."
He sighs, and I feel a bit sorry. Even though he's rubbish, he knows more of my language than I do of his, which could possibly be whatever language they speak on the moon.
"I call. No lesson, no absol. Absol licence."
Does... does 'absol' possibly mean 'provisional'? Could it?
"Your absol licence?"
"Yes!"
Clearly, we are now on the same page. I give him the website address for the provisional licence, and hope that once he gets it he never ever calls us back. I resign myself to the fact that he probably will. Absol.

Who are these Red Driving School characters?

Sometimes I wonder if I should just let the phone ring out. But then I think, well the number of lovely people I get to chat with far outweighs the number of crazy people who call, and the crazy calls always lead to good stories to tell at parties. And on blogs.

Ring ring
I finish what I'm doing and pick up.
"Good afternoon, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Is that the driving school?"
I affirm.
"Well I've got a complaint."
In all honesty, we don't get a lot of complaints. And it upsets me when we do get them, so I tense up. Tony's not here either, so I'm going to have to fix this on my own. I steel myself.
"Ok, what's the problem?"
"Well my mate is having lessons with your company, and we're not 'appy."
I would have known that this man was not happy just from his tone of voice. He's not exactly shouting, but he's not going to win any prizes for congeniality either.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Why isn't he happy?"
"Well, 'is instructor cancelled 'is test, and he makes 'im 'ave two hour lessons, which he ain't happy paying for."
I express sympathy, and ask who his instructor is.
"Michael."
We don't have a Michael. I ask, could he mean Martin, although I couldn't imagine anyone having a problem with Martin, because he's a sweetheart.
"Jamie! Do you mean Martin?"
The answer comes back no. I'm given a street name.
"He picks 'im up from there, yeah?"
I've never heard of the place, but that doesn't mean anything. My knowledge of the street names in Folkestone alone is pretty shabby, and seeing as we cover all of Kent, it's no help.
"Whereabouts is that?"
The man is getting annoyed.
"Cheltenham!"
Now my geography is bad, I'll admit, but I'm fairly certain that Cheltenham is not, in fact, in Kent.
"Are you sure he's having lessons with us?"
The man sighs exasperatedly. Clearly he thinks he is speaking to an idiot, and he is losing his patience.
"Yes, of course I'm sure! Red Driving School, yeah?"
I disagree.
"No, we're The Big Red L Company."
"Yeah, Big Red Driving School."
I disagree again.
"No, The Big Red L Company. We're completely different."
"Well can I talk to them then?"
"You'll have to call them and ask that, I think."
There's a pause, and then
Click, burrrrrrrr

I think I'll have a coffee.

...wha?

I want to help this guy, I really do, but.... what on earth does he want from us??

"I owned a driving school here in the Phillipines and operated foe over 7 years,I wondered why our students does'nt pass the examination withDMV.We are always in danger while doing our practical driving lessonsbecause our driving cars are not dual controlled, I would like to ask yourhelp with regards to these matters I have discussed. Please accept my intentto ask some advice,guide,diagram or any help in which I really need for mybusiness, thus for all I know only in America have a good deciplined drivers. Thank you very much and God Bless"

Flying cats

Just thought I'd put an excerpt of the instructor's weekly letter here, as it pretty much sums up this week!

***

It’s Friday again, and this will have to be rather rushed as our lovely Saturday girl has come in today. This leaves me at somewhat of a loss regarding what I refer to her as – do I now have to say ‘our lovely Saturday but sometimes Friday girl’? Anyway, she’s come in today to do the paperwork, so I have to write this quick to make sure it gets put in your envelopes.

So what exciting things have occurred this week?

I got back from my holiday older and wiser and a little bit browner, armed with a catapult – it actually fires little plastic cats, how clever – that I have been aiming at Tony whenever his back is turned. My friend gave it to me for my birthday with a knowing smile and said “This is a practical one for the office”. Unfortunately I haven’t quite got the hang of it, and so far not one of the cats has found its target. I will keep trying.

This week has been a good week for sales – the phone seems to have not stopped ringing. And for a change the people on the other end seem to be quite sane. Mostly.

We had a staff meeting this morning for the Folkestone types – as it ever it was lovely to see them and many jokes were made, mostly at Tony’s expense. They also left us with lots of cakes and biscuits, so Tony is in a pretty good mood.

***

The 'cat'apult is one of the best presents ever. The cats do look a little eerie though:

Having said that, I'm pretty sure they'll all have disappeared down the back of Tony's desk before long anyway.

Flowers!

I've been away for a week - avoiding the rain in sunny spain, yes sirree. Then yesterday it was my birthday, and it was beautiful weather! We sat outside and played croquet! So when I walked back into the office this morning I was in a pretty good mood. Tony was on the phone, so I gave him a thumbs up and went round to my desk. There, sitting happily next to my phone, was a bunch of flowers! For me! From a recently passed pupil! I was so touched, I nearly cried. There was a really lovely letter with it too, and I have to say that even though we had cake after lunch, the flowers and the letter really made my day. I always try to make sure all our pupils are happy, because we honestly believe that driving should be enjoyable, so the fact that Adam was so pleased was the icing on the cake (excuse the pun). Adam passed with only one minor, and had nothing but glowing praise for Jason Hall, his instructor.

So well done Jason, for providing expert guidance, and well done Adam! You clever lad, I'm ever so pleased for you.

Hello? Hello? ... Hello? Hello! Hello? .... Hello?

Just listened to our answerphone messages. Somebody obviously wasn't paying attention when asked to leave his name and number after the beep, as the whole recording is about 30 seconds long and features a man greeting the machine over and over again, in a somewhat confused manner.
"...Hello? Hello? ... Hello? Hello! Hello? .... Hello?"

Also today I spoke to a young lady who needed to pass pretty sharpish - in just under three weeks time, no less. She's had around 5 hours tuition, and so would be looking at around a 30 hour course. When asked why she needed to pass so quickly she told me that she and her partner were going on holiday to Australia, and were intending to drive through it. A roadtrip holiday to Australia is all well and good, if you can drive. Oh, and in case you were wondering, her partner can't drive either; he's after an intensive course too. It takes three weeks for the actual licence to come through once you've passed, so as Jordan (our new office assistant) pointed out, she needs to have passed last week in order for her licence to be through in time.

We try to help as many people as we can, but we haven't yet worked out how to turn back time. It's on the to do list.

In other news there was a massive clap of thunder outside just now. We all rushed to the window, being nosy people, and outside the sky was blue and there wasn't a drop of rain to be seen. All a bit weird.

Caption Competition

We're running a new competition - the last one went pretty well, I got to call people up and say "Well Done, you've won", which was lovely, and also appealed to my poetic nature somewhat. We've launched another one for next month, so the same rules apply; think of something that makes us smile and you'll get some free lessons. It really is that simple.

This is a picture Tony and I made of Lucas when we got a new design program, and set it as Lucas' screensaver. We thought it was hilarious. Lucas did not. He left it there though, so I think he was secretly flattered.

Look at him! So happy. He's left The Big Red L Company (possibly because of this picture) so this is in memory of Lucas, beloved office worker and reluctant tea maker.

To enter the competition just go here: http://www.bigredl.co.uk/captioncompetition.htm it'll explain everything you need to know.

pfitchoo!

I just sneezed. Graham jumped out at me and shouted "BOO!!"
There was a short silence before he said "Oh wait, no, thats hiccups."

I have driven an elephant!

Someone called this morning, and it was one of those calls that strikes fear into my heart.
"Good morning, Big Red L, Amanda speaking..."
"Hello yes I want lessons!"
I sigh inwardly. Here we go...
"Ok, where are you calling from?"
"I call from Folkestone!"
"And your name?"
"Robbie!"
I should have clicked, but I didn't. It was the bizarre Indian via Cardiff accent that distracted me.
Robbie continues, "I have driven an elephant!"
"... An elephant?!"
Tony starts giggling over the other side of the room. I realise I've been wound up.
If you're lucky enough to get Robbie as your instructor, please be at your sharpest. He is a cheeky one.

Bloomin' learners

I've never been annoyed at a learner driver: I remember all too well how rubbish I was when I first started. Tony probably remembers quite well too. But it's happened more than once now, where I've been on my way to work and have timed it so I will walk through the door bang on 9.00am, and a learner has started a turn in the road just in front of me.

Someone up there is having a jolly old laugh at my expense.

Hmmm

It's always a bit worrying when Tony answers the phone with "So how 'bout it, darlin'?"

Thank goodness he knew it was one of our cheeky monkey instructors on the other end.

Also, our investment of two Crunchies to our neighbours paid off. Yesterday I got given a Mint Cornetto. It was tasty.

Back to the Old School

Driving Instructor for Dover, Peter Williams came in yesterday brandishing a very ancient leaflet.

After scrutinising it I decided that on the front was what could well be the best photo I have ever seen.

Seeing as Tony as away doing some training this week and isn't here to stop me putting this up, here it is:

Look at him! So intent on not crashing into a tractor as he happily dives his brand new car across some generic countryside.

Brilliant.

I think we've found the picture for our next caption competition.

Spin

We've had a productive morning. We noticed the evidence of someone moving into the office opposite and pressed our noses against the glass to see what was going on - I'm sure I don't have to remind you that in The Big Red L Office we are very nosy people - but couldn't see any movement. So Tony sent me down to the cafe with 80p to buy two Cruchies, which we then stuck to their door with sellotape. Unfortunately everyone who walks past eyes them up, and I'm permentantly on Crunchie-watch to make sure no one snaffles them before the rightful owners get back. Not only that but I also have to keep an eye on Tony who keeps nonchalantly walking by and getting closer and closer to the alluring chocolatey goodness every time.

Driving instructor for Folkestone Jonathan Stringer is keeping me company this morning whilst Tony takes one of his pupils for a mock test, and he's trying to make me drink coffee. Let's get this straight; I HATE coffee. It tastes like dirt. DIRT. But Jonathan is a coffee connoisseur and has talked me into having a cup. IT IS DISGUSTING. But his little face looked so disappointed when I pointed that out and now I am bravely drinking it and trying not to make the face my dog made at the vets last night when he got his medicine squirted up his nose.

In other news Tony has been working hard:

"Amanda, you're not spinning round properly - you need to stick your legs out first and then tuck them in for maximum speed... oh here, look, I'LL show you...

...

Weeeeeeeeeee!!

...

I feel a bit sick now"

Who are we?

Just had a conversation over the email with a young lady who shall remain nameless.

It went something like this:

Young lady (hereonafter referred to as 'YL'): "I would like to cancel the driving lesson I have booked"

Me: "Righto, who is your instructor?"

YL: "I can't remember."

Me: "Ok, what area were you going to have your lesson?"

YL: "In the road outside my house."

Me: "Ok, what's your postcode?"

YL provides a postcode for an area we don't cover

Me: "Are you sure you're actually learning with us?"

YL: "Yes, of course I am. My mum booked them with Red Driving School."

Me: "Ok. Did you know that we're actually The Big Red L Company?"

Bear in mind that every email I send has our logo on it, a logo that says very boldly, "BIG RED L Company" and has a picture of, guess what, a big, red, L. And every email I send comes from 'amanda@bigredl.co.uk'.

In other news Tony has been working hard:

Manic Monday

Well, today is a bit frenetic. We're doing the invoices for April, and had been making good progress. Had. Past tense.
We just discovered that half the relevant dates have been put in as 2006 rather than 2007. Not only have we had to go through and change all the wrong dates, we've had to start at the very beginning for the invoices. All over again. At the beginning. Let me tell you, contrary to popular opinion, the beginning is NOT, in fact, a very good place to start. It is a bad place, a depressing place, a bleak place.
I wanted a half day today too. Poot.

And this morning our car got broken into. Snuffle. All they got was an empty adidas bag that cost £8 from TK Maxx, but still. If you see anyone trotting around Folkestone with an empty adidas bag, then cosh them over the head and return the bag to us, and just hope they weren't someone who had just taken all their unwanted clothes to a charity shop and were just wandering home with their now empty bag. Possibly you should just check that they are in fact the dirty dirty thieves before hitting them with anything heavy. Just a thought.

I LIVED THROUGH THE QUAKE OF 2007!

More news on my boxhat

Which sounds better - boxhat, or hatbox? They just both sound so good, I'm not sure I can chose between them. It's like choosing between my children... I imagine it's like choosing between my children, as I don't as yet have any. Let's put it another way - it's like choosing a favourite pair of shoes out of all my shoes. I just couldn't do it! They're all so pretty!

Once again I have been distracted from the point I was trying to make.

We have had very few genuine caption competition entries. Quite a few from people who just wanted to play but didn't actually need lessons, like driving instructor for Ashford Andy Holder's latest offering "The low level of wages takes effect as Amanda moves into her new home", which made me smile and probably would have won, if Andy were in need of lessons as opposed to being someone who gives them.

If I were a betting lady, I would put my money on the amusing entry "I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win!"

People, if you want to win over £200 worth of driving lessons, submit a caption now! Honestly, what's stopping you? It's £200! £200 you don't have to pay out for lessons and can instead spend on SHOES!

I love shoes.

Driving lessons in Gillingham

I'm really getting the hang of this answering the phone malarky. When I first started working for The Big Red L Company I wasn't so confident. In fact, I'll be straight with you; I was terrified. People kept calling up and asking me questions! About stuff I didn't know! More than once someone called up and I made up an answer, just to get them off the phone.
"How much do you charge for driving lessons in Gillingham?"
Gillingham. Gillingham! Gillingham...? I'd run it through my head so many times that it would begin to become a nonsense word, like gravy does if you say it too often (go on, say it. And again. Gravygravygravy!).
Gillingham.
Gillingham.
Then suddenly I'd remember Gillingham, and the only reason I've ever been there:
"Ice skating!"
There would be a pause on the other end as the other person wondered if they had incorrectly dialled and accidently reached Captain Non Sequitur. I would take advantage of their baffled silence to pull myself together.
"Sorry, yes, driving lessons in Gillingham...."
There would be another pause as I would desperately try to remember how to work the bookings database, before giving in and making the answer up.
"Driving lessons in Gillingham currently cost 10 bananas an hour."
Invariably the person on the other end would hang up, and I would be left feeling somewhat inadequate.
But now! Now I can chat and chat to people, and sometimes I put the phone down and wish I could make the person I just talked to about shoes my new best friend. A few times I've felt like calling someone back up and asking what they're up to tonight, but I think that might be a bit weird. So I do the next best thing and get the people I like on the phone the best deal I can.

You're still saying gravygravygravy to yourself, aren't you?

Caption Competition Launched...

Two posts in one day, Blimey O Reilly.

What does that even mean?
Anyway.

My friends, I have some exciting news.

The Big Red L has launched a caption competition!

WIN WIN WIN

So, feel free to enter, but if per chance you don't want to win our prizes of lessons, due to being out of the area or already driving around like a maniac, but would like to submit your caption for ever lasting fame and glory instead, this is the place to do it.

Tony, in his wisdom, has chosen the picture of me with my boxhat as the picture for June. No "It's an improvement" esque captions please, I've heard them all.

An example of a caption that made me smile was our Jason's, who supplied us with:

"How much are we paying for this office? It's about time they fixed the bloomin' roof!"

Also, if you're not a member here and want to be credited with your comic genius, put your name after your caption.

Example - "I have a box on my head." - Amanda

Aaaaaaaand.... go!

Never ignore a pooh-pooh

I'm sure every business gets them. I'd put money on the fact that every driving school gets them. That phone call, the one that you can tell a mile off from the deadened eyes of the unfortunate who lucked out and picked up. You listen in, rolling your eyes at other people in the office and snigger as your colleague tries in vain to explain something, understand an accent, or just get a word in edgeways. Yesterday I was that unfortunate. After getting off the phone after a particularly taxing phone call I turn to Tony.
"Crikey, Tony, that last one spoke as slowly as mud rolling down a slight hill."
Tony smiles preoccupiedly, as he is working hard on sorting out the SaFED invoices. Suddenly what I've said trickles through, and he turns round with a devilish grin.
"Give it to Peter Blight."
Sniggering quietly to himself Tony turns back to his invoices. I shrug. Someone has to take this chap, and Peter Blight is as good an instructor as any. In fact, I recently read some feedback about him that said, and I quote "He was always happy, chilled, and most importantly never shouted at me. Even when I kept going round the roundabout in third gear, or reversing when I should have been going forward." That, to me, sounds like exactly the kind of instructor needed for a chap like the one I just spoke to. I type in the message to Peter and promptly forget all about it.
I got in this morning - early, I'd like to point out - and discovered the following email in Tony's inbox (edited, so as not to offend any one in particular - they are a customer, you know):

So... I thought

I haven't had a pupil from The Big Red L for three months, and I have a new one (recommended) starting tomorrow...

Why would they send me one out of the blue?

Surely I would let them know if I was in need of a pupil, wouldn't I?

They don't usually think like this (helpfully...)

What's the catch?

Then I rang Jeff...

Jeff doesn't just speak slowly...

Jeff speaks at seven words a minute.

Jeff doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the box. Then it all became clear...

Amanda put down the phone and breathed a heavy sigh, "Who shall we send this one to, Tony?" she asked with a note of mild desperation in her voice. Tony thought for a full two seconds, "Peter Blight," he said, without looking up from his keyboard. "He likes a challenge." Amanda smiled mischievously. Sweet revenge, she thought. This will teach him to 'pooh pooh' my creative expressions. She turned back to her computer and tapped in the brief message. Then, savouring the moment, she lifted her index finger, hovered over the 'send' key with a long delicious pause, then jabbed it down. Problem solved, thought Amanda wickedly, as she leant back with her arms slowly folding behind her head. Then she allowed he pleasure to course warmly through her body. "Cup of coffee, Tony?" she asked brightly. Amanda unfolded her arms and stood up, beaming at nothing in particular. Today was going to be a good day, she decided. A very good day.

Ah Peter, how well you know us.

"pfitschu! pfitschu pfitschu!"

I have a ridiculous sneeze. I've sneezed my ridiculous sneeze for as long as I can remember; perhaps it was a conscious decision made when I was old enough to realise that both my parents sound like angry elephants - 'blarrrrghchoo!' - when they sneeze, and with the wisdom of a five year old I thought that was not the image I would like to present to the world. But something went wrong; instead of the ladylike 'atchoo' I was aiming for, my sneeze is, phonetically, a bit like this: 'pfitschu! pfitschu pfitschu! pfitschu pfitschu pfitschu pfitschu! pfitschu!'
It's embarrassing. I was in Chambers Coffee Shop in Folkestone with my sister a day or two ago, and I sneezed my ridiculous sneeze. My sister, by now well used to my sneeze, continued our conversation unperturbed. Unperturbed, that is, until we realised the coffee shop was silent, and everyone was looking at us. Apart from a few people who were slower to catch on and were still peering under tables for a small yapper type dog merrily barking to itself.
My Jurassic cold is still hanging on - I don't know how, it's been about four weeks. I congratulate it for its tenacity, but wish it would just jog on. Consequently I sneeze quite often, and every time Graham and Tony look up in surprise.
"pfitschu! pfitschu pfitschu!"
Graham looks at Tony.
"Is there no way to stop her doing that?"

Making The Impossible Possible

It's 10.20 am and Tony isn't in. As mentioned before, he's off doing some van driver training for ITV, so Lucas and I have got the office to ourselves. Party? Nope. In fact, because Lucas hates the radio with a passion, we are sitting in silence. Silence, except for when the phone rings, as it does now and then, and as it did a moment or two ago. On the other end was Stephen Lowrie, driving instructor for the Dartford area.
"I got a text from Tony yesterday about a lady called Faye, but the number he sent had too many digits in."
I check. It does have too many digits in. I'm not sure what to do - the only contact detail we have for her is an incorrect number. We could wait and see if she calls back, but that's just not how we like to do business.
"I tell you what," I answer, "I expect Tony accidently hit two numbers instead of one. I'll call every combination until I find her."
Lucas looks at me and shakes his head in a sarcastic 'you're-being-totally-unrealistic' way but I'm fairly confident that I'll get through sooner or later - there's only a few combinations it could be if Tony has accidently hit two numbers next to each other instead of one. If I try all those and still can't get hold of her, I'll give up, but in the happy knowledge that I Tried. I write down each combination. There's more than I thought there would be. I mentally postpone my to-do list until after lunch; this is going to take a while. I dial the first number. It rings; that's a good start. Someone picks up.
"Faye speaking."
Oh. That was easy. I'm a little disappointed; I feel as though I've sat down to enjoy Lord of the Rings and in the first ten minutes Frodo has helicoptered over Mount Doom, chucked the One Ring in, and got home in time for tea.


Take me home

April Fools

"What are you doing?" Tony just asked me.

The truth is that I was sitting doing nothing for a minute , wondering what to write about for today's blog. I don't like to just write any old nonsense, and today has been pretty uneventful. I've updated the accounts ready to switch over to the next tax year, and I've just finished a basic database to record the free 1.5 hour driving lessons vouchers that we're giving away to people who haven't learnt with The Big Red L before (ooh, there's a chance for a shameless plug; tell all your friends, and neighbours too), driving instructors for Folkestone Peter Blight and Robbie Wilde have been in; Peter popped in twice, once seemingly to pooh-pooh my beloved blog and another time to talk to Tony, and Robbie had his usual black coffee. What else? Not much. We had lunch in the cafe downstairs, a jolly tasty steak sandwich, bantered with my buddy Paula who works in the cafe, ate some chocolate... and that's about it. We had a brief elastic band fight, but I've already dedicated one blog entry to that and it would look a little sad to have to revisit old topics. In fact, I hate to say it, but today has been a little boring. I check the time. Nearly 3pm. Another 2 hours to go. Working 9 - 5, what a way to make a living.

Anyway.

"I'm thinking about what to write in the blog." I answer.

"Make something up."

I think for a second. I look about the office for props. Nothing. Oh wait - there's a cardboard box.

"Tony, if you put this on your head, I can take a photo and make up some story about it."

I put it on my head to demonstrate. Tony looks at me sceptically.

"You really are bored, aren't you?"

Yes.

"OK, write about how I've been called up by ITV to do some van training on Wednesday, but say that I'm going back on TV to be really famous, or something. They've called me twice about it now."

"Wasn't one of the times a wrong number?"

"Yes, but that's not the point."

I could write a story about Tony doing some van driver training for ITV. Or, I could take a photo of myself with a cardboard box on my head instead.



Incidently, there are three sentences above snaffled from song lyrics. Anyone to answer correctly wins a small hobnob. Or a free 1.5 hour driving lesson.

Lucas' finger looks as though it has been attacked by a mini-vampire

I'm having an alright sort of day. Lucas and Tony are both in so I'm not lonely, and my job for today is write an article for the Big Red Fleet (The Big Red Feet, according to Lucas, who drew a new logo for it and everything) which I quite enjoy doing. Tomorrow I'm not so happy about as I have to take Tony's place at a meeting in Hythe for 6.30 am ... 6.30 - AM! Half past six in the morning! Six and a half hours after midnight! However I phrase it doesn't make it sound any more appealing. And 6.30am is when I have to be there, when I have to arrive, to walk through the door, which means I have to be out of my house in Folkestone for 6.10am, which means I have to get up around 5. 5am! What's the point of going to bed?!
Anyway. Today Lucas isn't very happy and I will happily tell you why. We were all queuing for lunch in the cafe downstairs when Lucas says, somewhat absentmindedly,
"Ow."
Being an intrinsically nosy person I query his quiet exclamation. He explains,
"I was a bit bored earlier so I thought I'd staple my finger to see what happened."
"And what happened?" I ask, a bit disbelievingly.
"It quite hurt, actually."
Tony fixes him with a prosaic expression.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
I agree, and we order our lunch.

We get back to the office and Lucas thoughtfully looks at the stapler, as though wondering if it would hurt a second time. It's only a matter of time until he tries again. I leave him to it.

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Driving instructor for Dover Peter Williams came in today to ask Tony for some sheets of something or other for driving lessons. Whilst Tony was going through the sheets he came across an elastic band. Without even thinking about it he automatically turned round and fired it at me, and without even thinking about it I scooted my chair across the office to take cover behind the bookcase that separates the girl from the boys. Peter looked surprised.

"She got out of the way of that a bit quickly, didn't she?"

What Peter Williams doesn't know is that a large chunk of our days recently have been spent firing elastic bands at each other, and we've gotten a bit good at taking evasive action. Poor Lucas; in today for the first time since last week and not at all prepared for the battle that is being waged. We went easy on him and didn't join forces; he sits between Ton and I and if we so decided we would be able to anihilate him with our combined elastic band missile skillz. In fact, why didn't we join forces? Annoying Lucas is one of my favourite pastimes. It's worth mentioning to Tony later. As it was the battlecry of 'Duck, Lucas!' was so often heard that the the office next door probably thinks that the driving instructing business is just a cover for our real business of raising waterfowl. That's where the real money is.

All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself...

I just spent about half an hour trying to remember the password to get on here. You'd think I'd write something like an important work password down. You'd think.

I'm all by myself in the Big Red L Office. Lucas is a part timer and Tony has gone back to his driving instructor roots by giving a driving lesson. I'm lonely. I check my watch. Tony isn't back for ages. I consider amassing a small pile of elastic bands to ping at him on his return. I have to get my own back, because he tried to push me over earlier on our usual race back to the office. Out the cafe after lunch, up the stairs, round a corner - Tony usually overtakes me at the corner but I managed to beat him to it - there's the office door, ahahaha, winner! But my elation was short lived. Tony pushed me firmly past the office door and pretty much into the office next door. Being a girl, I squealed, and everyone in the office next door looked up. It was like a scene from a movie set in a jungle where the lead character walks unknowingly slap bang into the middle of a group of sleeping carnivores and has to back quietly out. Only, in the jungle he doesn't have to worry about bumping into one of the lions the next day buying lunch in the cafe, so actually, my experience was a lot more traumatic.

Cold feet

My feet are freezing. I'm slowly getting over my cold but whenever I get ill my feet have the darndest time staying at a comfortable temperature. So I'm sitting on one and trying to thaw it. That's not really the problem; I can do that subtly because I'm sitting on the other side of the office to the boys and they can't really see. The problem comes when I have to reshuffle and sit on the other foot. I wriggle uncomfortably and Lucas gives me a Look. I get several of these a day, but I'm indignant this time. After all, the boy who is giving me a Look is the same boy who just now stuffed a whole biscuit in his mouth and had to hide behind a bookcase in order to preserve his dignity lest some of it go up his nose. So I ignore his raised eyebrows at my shufflings and offer him a Halls Soother instead. He accepts; he's ill too now. I've given him my dinosaur cold. In a way I feel bad, but good for the cold - it's come this far since the Jurassic era, I wouldn't want it to die with my last sneeze.

It's a quiet morning in the Big Red L Office...

Too quiet. If I was in some sort of Hollywood action movie right now, I'd be pretty worried. Sadly, I'm not. But I do know how to fix this pesky silence issue. Hello, Windows Media Player. Billie-Jo of Greenday bursts into glorious song, informing us all that he walks alone, he walks alone. Tony looks confused before he remembers that I worked out how to get the radio to magically play via the computer. Across the office I see Lucas' back tense. He hates the radio. I would play something he liked, but he likes music that Tony and I can't quite convince our ears to enjoy, or indeed recognise as music. Billie Jo finishes his song and 'The Boys Are Back In Town' starts up. Tony grins.
"This is one of the classics."
"Yes," I agree. I'm in a silly mood today, even though I'm slowly dying from the mother of all colds. The sort of cold that's been around since the dawn of time. Dinosaurs probably suffered from this cold. In fact, it could be the reason why we don't ride to work on stegasauruses in an eco-friendly Fred Flintstone type way. Perhaps the dinosaurs were wiped out by the same snuffles that I am currently enduring. It can't have been pretty; in those days I'm fairly sure that Kleenex hadn't been invented. But I digress. I'm in a silly mood, and Tony is fun to wind up.
"It is a classic," I tell him with a straight face. "I like Queen."
Tony looks at me and smiles, but he doesn't disagree. I am suddenly filled with doubt. Did Queen write this? I'm sure it wasn't, they did 'We Are The Champions'... didn't they? Thin Lizzy did 'The Boys Are Back...", didn't they? Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm about to consult Google when suddenly Tony shakes his head and laughs at me.
"It's not Queen, it's Thin Lizzy."
Ah! I was right! But Tony appears to have got the upper hand in my wind up. I valiently attempt to scramble back.
"Thin Lizzy? Who are they?"
I can't keep a straight face. Tony knows I'm playing. He shakes his head at me. I retreat. Tony 1, Amanda 0.


quizzies:
What kind of friend are you? (shameless plug)
Which fictional driver are you? (less shameless)

take me home